Breathing
by BrightLightsBigDreams
Summary: Sometimes Amy can't hold herself together as much as she likes people to think she can.


**Hi. This is my first Brooklyn nine-nine story and I'd love some feedback. It's literally just some angst (cause I hoesntly can't right anything else) and the Peraltiago cause they're my babes you know. Anyway I hope you like it!**

 **Also possible TW for panic attacks/anxiety**

* * *

Amy was having a bad day. Well it was a bad week in general, but today was a particularly bad day. It was about 2 o'clock on a Thursday - hardly halfway through her shift but she was already desperate to be out of the precinct. She glanced down at the paperwork in front of her, sub-consciously clenching her fist as she tried to push away the guilt she felt rising up inside of her. She usually enjoyed detailing the what she was working on, but not when she was detailing the fact that she had failed.

It didn't happen often, but today was one of the days where she was being forced to admit that there was nothing else she could do to try and solve a crime, and unless any other evidence came to light it was going to remain unsolved forever. She knew that it was something that happened sometimes, it wasn't the first case she had failed to solve and it wouldn't be the last but for some reason this one was hitting her harder than the others. She wasn't even sure why, it was nowhere near the worst crime she had worked on during her time as a detective. It was a simple store burglary, no one had been hurt and compared to what could have been taken from the store the price of what had been lost could easily have been double what it was, maybe even triple. None of this was making her feel better though, the only word flying around her head as she explained the case was _failure._

It wasn't like the rational part of her mind wasn't working. She knew that there was nothing else she - or anyone else - could have done to solve the crime, but that thought was being drowned out by the incessant clamouring of just about everything else in her mind. She got like this a lot more often than she'd like to admit, especially when she was younger it was an all too common occurrence that she let the irrational thoughts take over and send anxiety coursing through her veins. In high school it had got so bad that her mum had dragged her to the doctor, searching for an official diagnosis to her daughter's fear of just about everything and the panic attacks that seemed to appear from nowhere. They had got one - generalised anxiety disorder.

The team knew about it, they had to talk about those kind of things, in case something happened on a case but none of them had ever really had to _deal_ with it, only Jake had, and she wasn't planning on anyone else needing to do it today.

 _Jake._ That was probably another reason she was so on edge. They usually had similar shifts but over the past week her boyfriend had been on stake-outs pretty much every night as he and Boyle were working to bring down a big drug ring. They had hardly seen each other since the stake-outs had started. She was sleeping when he was working and he'd come home and crash as she left for work the next morning. She hadn't even had a chance to talk to Jake about the case and what she was thinking, she couldn't risk distracting him right now, he was too close to making one of the biggest arrests of his career. She wanted to do it though. Jake somehow always knew the perfect way to talk her down. He could tell when she wasn't okay and he knew how to help and _oh god_ she really needed him here right now. She couldn't have him though, she had dealt with this before she had met Jake and she could deal with it now, couldn't she?

Amy let out a big sigh as she finished the report, quickly sending it to the captain for him to check over before letting herself pause for a moment and breathe. She still had a pile of paperwork to complete but today it filled her with dread rather than the usual contentment that would wash over her at the idea of being able to get her work done on time. Is this how the others felt about paperwork _all the time?_ Amy shook her head slightly as she took another deep breath, her eyes drifting to her bag as another all-too-familiar craving hit her chest.

A cigarette was usually a sure fire way to calm her nerves. She hated the fact that it was true, but the small nicotine high had dragged her away from the verge of panic attacks too many times to count. She didn't let herself think about it too much, just grabbed her bag and headed to the roof. She'd already smoked four cigarettes since she'd been at work today, and she knew that Rosa had glared at her suspiciously as she left the bullpen once again but right now she didn't really care what her emotionless colleague was thinking, she just needed a way to stop the unbearable waves of panic sparking around her body.

* * *

It didn't work. Amy had returned to her desk ten minutes later feeling slightly better but that feeling had soon dissipated as she got back to work. Everything in the bullpen was just so _loud._

Gina was at her desk, singing some pop song at what sounded like the top of her lungs and terribly out of key. Hitchcock and Scully were having a very heated debate about whether hot dogs or burgers were better - and she wasn't going to look but Amy was 98% sure that they were having this discussion with their mouths stuffed full of half eaten food. One of the perps in the holding cell kept banging on the door demanding to be let out and Terry was panicking down the phone to Sharon about the present that Cagney and Lacey so desperately wanted but was out of stock. Rosa was screaming at her computer before smashing it onto the floor _again_ and _oh god_ it was too _loud_ and Amy really couldn't do this.

She could hardly process what she was doing as she felt herself launch up from her chair way too quickly to possibly not draw attention to herself. Honestly it was a miracle her legs were even holding her up the amount that they were shaking. Her hands were clenched in fists by her side and her breath was coming in short sharp bursts and her heart felt like it was about to rip itself out of her chest and _oh god_ she was having a panic attack in the middle of the precinct and there were tears streaming down her face and everyone had stopped what they were doing and were now staring at her and she had to _get out_.

So she ran. She ignored the stares and the shout from Terry and got out of there and headed for the closest place she could think of that would give her a slight bit of privacy - the supply closet with the door that locked.

It took her a good few seconds to pull the lock across with the tears blurring her eyes and the burning in her chest but she managed it and as soon as she did she let her shaking legs collapse beneath her and dropped to the floor.

What had she just done?

How had she let this happen?

What was she going to do?

And _oh god_ she couldn't breathe.

 **In. Out. In. Out.** That's all she had to do. Breathing wasn't supposed to be this hard. Amy pulled her knees up to her chest and lowered her head in between them. _In for four. Out for four. In for four. Out for four._

A quiet knock on the door didn't help her in her attempts to control her breathing, instead it caused her head to shoot up and her breaths to become even heavier. She did not need anyone trying to talk to her right now.

"Amy," It was Terry talking, "Are you okay in there? Will you let one of us in?"

Amy didn't respond. Having one of the squad in there was the last thing she needed right now. The less people that saw her in this state the better. Even if she had tried to say something she's not sure that the words would have come out, they'd failed her mid panic attack enough times for her to know not to trust them anymore.

"Santiago," This time it was Rosa, "Look, just let us know you're alive in there and we'll leave you to sort yourself out if that's what you want."

Still Amy stayed silent. Her head was aching and everything sounded slightly far away and she needed to be left alone.

"Knock on the door if you're conscious and want us to fuck off. Don't knock if you want Terry to break the door down." Gina's voice came through next, and Amy felt herself calm slightly on her words.

Knocking was something that she could manage right now.

* * *

Amy wasn't sure how long she was sitting on the floor of the supply closet for. She could never really work out how much time was passing when she was in the midst of an attack, sometimes it felt like everything was rushing past at a million miles and hour and other times it seemed to crawl past.

She wasn't crying anymore, and her breathing was calmer and more even, although it was definitely still a bit shaky. She knew she needed to get up and get to the bathroom and sort herself out but the prospect of actually leaving the sanctuary of the closet was daunting right now.

God she probably looked like a right mess. She could just imagine the tear stains and smudged mascara and red eyes and - actually maybe she'd just stay in the closet for the rest of her life.

Another knock on the door interrupted her thoughts and Amy _swore_ to _god_ if one of the team had come back to check up on her she was going to -

"Ames?" It was Jake.

No. It couldn't be Jake. He was sleeping in their apartment halfway across the city. She must be going completely crazy.

"Ames. Let me in." Okay, it was definitely Jake.

Amy had the door unlocked in a matter of seconds and it seemed like even less time before Jake was on the floor next to her with his arms wrapped around her and her head buried in his chest.

She knew that it sounded like some disgusting sickly sweet couple shit but Jake honestly did always make her feel safe. Even though he was usually so all over the place he just had this calming presence over her and she really didn't know what she would do without him. Hopefully she would never have to find out.

They sat there together for a while, Jake rubbing soothing circles onto Amy's back until her breath was full under control and the waves of panic rolling around her body were truly gone. It was only then that he spoke.

"What happened, babe?"

Amy reluctantly moved from her comfortable position and sat cross-legged opposite Jake. She knew his eyes picked up the way she was twisting her fingers around each other but she wasn't prepared to try and stop right now, it helped.

"I don't know, it just happened." Her answer was weak and she could tell by the way he raised his eyebrows slightly that he knew she wasn't telling the truth.

The brunette took a deep breath, "I couldn't solve a case. And everything was so loud. And you weren't here."

Jake reached out his hand and took Amy's smaller one in it. "Why didn't you call me?" His voice was soft but questioning, and Amy was sure she could hear a hint of hurt in it.

"It's just - you've been so busy and you were probably sleeping and I didn't want to wake you up or distract you," Amy replied, her voice still quiet, "How did you know anyway?"

"Oh, I was woken up by my super amazing boyfriend senses telling me that something was wrong so I jumped out of bed and into the car and raced here." This time it was Amy's turn to raise her eyebrows but he had also succeeded in getting a small smile to flit across his face. "Okay, Gina called me but I still jumped out of bed and into the car and raced here so I think that counts." Jake let out a laugh before his face became serious again, "But seriously, Ames, you should have called me. You know I would have come straight away."

"I know, I just thought I could do it on my own, you know? Like I used to be able to deal with it on my own so I figured I still could." Amy admitted, bowing her head slightly and staring at her hands.

"But you don't _need_ to deal with it on your own babe, that's the point," Jake sighed, "The whole point of us being together is so that I can help you and you can help me. I love you Amy, so much, and nothing will ever change that." He leaned forward as he finished speaking and pressed a soft kiss to Amy's forehead, before resting his own against it.

"I love you too, Jake." Amy's voice was hardly more than a whisper, but it didn't matter. Jake was here and she was calm and, at least for now, everything was okay.


End file.
